A Book That Terrified Me
It's not often that a book terrifies me, but C.J. Mahaney's Humility: True Greatness did just that, and did so swiftly. In the introduction, Mahaney writes, "I can only address you with confidence in the great and gracious God who has promised to give grace to the humble (see James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5)" (13–14).
That should bring me peace, and it does. But let me tell you why it's also terrifying.
I Thought I Was a Humble Guy
In my previous ministry experience, I thought I was a humble guy. It's how I was raised. My father practically, and with much love, spanked it into me.
Yet as I come to a realization of God's grace in my life over the years, I realize how arrogant I am right now. How much more arrogant was I back then — and I was blind to my own arrogance? Terrifying.
Mahaney defines humility as "honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness" (22). By that measure, I had it backwards. In my previous ministry, I struggled with false humility, which led me to flatter others. I thought I was being humble. In reality, I was lying, and I was arrogant.
The Fear of Man
I often struggle with the fear of man. There are times when, instead of doing the more difficult and faithful thing, I look for loopholes.
Just yesterday, someone I used to know messaged me on Facebook because I'm an administrator of a local group, and her business was taking some flak on that page. The person who posted did so anonymously. She reached out and asked if I could tell her the poster's name.
My first thought was to go and see if I even had that information — and if I didn't, I could just tell her that I can't see it myself. The problem is, I wouldn't have done that for anyone else I didn't know. I would have told them that anonymous posting is allowed for everyone, and I'm not granting a special exception. I would have shown equal measures and weights.
I would love to tell you that's what I did. But it's not. I found out that I couldn't see the anonymous person's name, and I told her that.
In the future, my hope is that my view of God looms so large that I wouldn't think twice about having equal measures in a situation like this.
My Pride Grew with Every Opportunity
My theological convictions began to take shape when I was seventeen years old. My girlfriend and I attended a Presbyterian church, and we got plugged in. I grew in my understanding of the Scriptures and in my love for God. Eventually, they asked me to lead a book study. It went well, and at the completion of the study, they asked me to lead the youth group of three.
As I grew, you wouldn't think my humility would have grown as well. Wrong. I took these opportunities to be more prideful.
The church I was part of belonged to a larger fellowship, and there were things I struggled with there — including their stance on female youth ministers. This, along with baptism, was something I struggled with at that church. I brought the concerns to my pastor, heard him out, and continued my wrestling.
My wife and I were married in this church when I was 20 and she was 18, and about six months after we got married, we found out we were going to have our first child. The baptism struggle loomed larger, and on top of that, I had new aspirations to pastoral ministry. I had a good conversation with my pastor, he gave me a transition letter so that I could look for a more like-minded church, and I did.
The next church I landed at was a Baptist church about fifteen minutes from my previous church. This is where I fell in love with verse-by-verse exegetical preaching. Or I thought so.
Because of the blessing that is the interwebs, I came across a movement built on verse-by-verse teaching through the books of the Bible. I read one of its books on its distinctives about three times and decided, this is it. This is the group I'm riding it out with. I listened to many sermons, argued with many folks against topical preaching, my heart grew a little, and my head grew a lot.
Humble, right?
Then I came across this guy named John Piper. A friend introduced me to his TULIP series. The gateway drug hooked me. I was a "Piperite." Soon after, I found out my senior pastor was also a Calvinist. I wish he had put me in a cage, but he didn't. My head grew some more. I argued online. I argued in person. I led the youth group at that church as well. My task? Make them Calvinists.
As I scoured every Piper sermon and article I could, I realized something. This theological stance should have made my view of God bigger and my view of myself smaller. It should have humbled me — and finally, it began to.
All that I try to absorb at this point in my life is an attempt to stand before God in awe. I want to jump at every opportunity to admire Him, and enjoy Him forever.
Sitting at His Right and Left
Mahaney tries to get the reader to pinpoint where they struggle with humility (52–53). Unfortunately, I found that I relate most to the disciples, as James and John asked to be seated at the right and left hand of Jesus. I say "unfortunately" because Mahaney says this is probably a worse spot to be in than James and John.
Early on in my last ministry, I thought I was doing pretty well in pretty much everything, because I compared myself to other people. The crazy thing is, those other people likely bested me in the areas I thought I had them beat in. The bigger problem? I shouldn't have been comparing myself to them as if it was a competition in the first place. I should have been looking to Christ Jesus.
I currently make every attempt to do that. When I notice evidence of grace in my life or someone else's, I try to make that an opportunity to point myself and them to Jesus. I'm still trying to kill my sin often. When my arrogance doesn't make its way to my lips, it's only because God has graced me to fight it in my heart.
My hope in future ministry would be that when my congregation thinks of me, they think of a pastor who trusts in God with everything he has, and who knows that no good will come to the church apart from His Word, empowered by His Spirit, because of His Son.
At Home
What probably stuck with me the most is this: I have a tendency to be overcritical of my family. My parents, my wife, my kids. That fear of man creeps up and says, "What they do reflects you. Don't fail."
Mahaney stresses the importance of building up your family with your words and teaching your children to honor their parents, as well as the saints in their local church (100). I have struggled to honor my parents in my adulthood.
We had life-changing events occur in our family from the time I was two until I was four, and my father had a midlife crisis when I was a teenager. These events led me to distance myself from my parents instead of honoring them and pointing them to Christ.
Since then, they got plugged into the local church that I used to work at. It was a revitalization, it went sour, and everything fell apart. I thought my parents' faith would too, but God is faithful. They followed us to our current local church.
You would think I have gotten much better at honoring them. They are fantastic grandparents, and they are trying to grow in their walk with the Lord. My father texts my brother and me Bible verses every day, and I still fail. I'm not only failing at honoring my parents, but I'm failing at teaching my kids to do so.
I'm determined to change this by God's grace. I talk my parents up to my kids, encourage them, though not often enough, and I have recently started trying to call them regularly before they call me. My hope is that this effort is blessed by God and brings glory to Him.
I also look for every opportunity to encourage my wife and children, especially as they display God's grace in their lives as they serve others. My son loves superheroes, and my daughter loves princesses. Mahaney points out that some of the heroes they look up to the most should be the servants in their local church.
Since reading this book, I'm going to make an effort, by God's grace, to speak highly of the saints in my church — to applaud their service, and then to applaud my children's and wife's service as they display the same heart those saints in my church have. I don't want them to have celebrity idols. I want them to have local church role models.
A Prideful Heart, Humbled Day by Day
Mahaney's Humility impacted me greatly. It helped me to reflect on how arrogant I am. It also gave me the gift of reflecting on God's great mercy and work in my heart throughout the years.
My hope and prayer is that God continually takes this prideful heart and humbles it day after day by the work of His Spirit in me.
