God places some books in your life at what seems like the perfect time. That's what He did for me when I read Edward Welch's When People Are Big and God Is Small. I read this book in the midst of a study on worship at my local church, and one of the books in that study that I'm currently completing is Rejoice and Tremble by Michael Reeves. Coincidence? I think not.
One of my first strong reflections came when Welch wrote about his great awakening to his fear of man (15). Mine came at the birth of my first child, Ezekiel.
My Awakening
Almost seven years ago, Zeke was born, and everything went great. My wife had a C-section because he was breech, which we didn't want, but he was born, and we were first-time parents.
My small view of God became apparent about six days later, right after, or before Christmas. My timeline is a little fuzzy. Valerie woke up in the wee hours of the morning, and she woke me in a panic. She was shaking, and she told me something was wrong. Her body was on fire. I checked her temperature, and it was 105 degrees. We called our doctor, and he told us to go to the emergency room.
When we arrived at the emergency room, a nurse took Valerie's vitals. She had to take her blood pressure twice because she couldn't believe what she saw. It was very low, and her resting heart rate was just under 200 beats per minute. They rushed Valerie into a room, hooked her up to lots of things, and pumped even more things into her body. She was about to go septic.
Here I am, a young 21-year-old man with my first baby and my wife on her deathbed. Doctors are panicking around me, and I'm doing no better. I can't do this. She's my whole world. As the hours pass, I try to eat… nope. Maybe some water… nada. Lie down for some sleep? You're dreaming, but I'm not. I dropped weight quickly. I tried to read Scripture, and I'd cry. I tried to pray, and I'd panic. I had an idol. I feared something more than I feared God, and I finally realized it.
I remember reflecting on God's goodness no matter the outcome. I meditated on His Word and His promises, and I reflected on all that He had seen me through before. Even when it didn't go my way, His way was always better. Since that day, I've had separate struggles with anxiety that have revealed other idols in my life related to my kids and wife. In fact, Valerie hemorrhaged with our second baby at a natural birthing center and had to be rushed to the ER for a transfusion. Needless to say, our crunchy phase was over. Each time something of great magnitude comes up, I learn to lean on the fear of the Lord more and more. I learn that my purpose exists in glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever.
The Idol of Being Liked
Welch writes, "Kill me, but don't keep me from being liked, appreciated, or respected" (37). This statement convicted me because, for much of my life, I have tried to please everyone, and it wasn't for their benefit. It was so I was liked, appreciated, and respected. I would have rather died than have had other people look down on me.
What the Fear of the Lord Actually Is
Welch defines the fear of God as "reverent submission that produces obedience and is closely connected to worship, reliance, trust, and hope" (81). I used to confuse fear of the Lord with being afraid of the Lord. Afraid of what He would do to me if I didn't obey Him. That's not the biblical definition of fear of the Lord. A reverent fear of God drives you to Him instead of away from Him. It allows all other fears to dissipate in light of this one awesome and unchanging fear that we are to have. As I grow in my knowledge of the Lord and meditate on who He is, so will my fear of Him grow. In light of this truth, my ambition is to meditate on Him often.
I Like to Win
I like to win. I'm a competitive person. Much of my life has been spent trying to win a sport or a debate. It feels good to win, and I like being looked up to, even when it comes to debates with unbelievers and brothers alike. Welch highlights how we are to love our friends and enemies, not for our own satisfaction and glory, but to build up the church and to point them to Christ (161).
I know what it feels like to fight the obvious sins. A lustful thought pops into my head, and I fight it. I call it what it is: sin, and then I replace that thought with what's good, true, and beautiful. The desire to win for my own selfish pride is a less obvious sin that I'm just learning about. Someone might comment on content that we have created at Reformark and claim that we have the polemic of a kindergartener because we compared Eucharistic miracles to witchcraft. Oddly specific? It happened. And what's my response… "I'm gonna win this one, baby." Biblically, my response should be that my words and attitude draw this person to Christ by God's grace. This is how we love our friends. The other approach is how we show we hate them and don't care about them. The same goes for our enemies. In my ministry, I want my greatest desire to be for God's exaltation, not my own. I want to wish the best for my friends and my enemies, and that "best" would be that they believe on the Son and draw near to Him.
Free of All Other Fears
To fear God is to be free of all other fears. Welch closes with a few inspiring stories from his personal life, the Bible, and church history of what it looks like to put the fear of God into practice. He discusses Ecclesiastes 12:13, which reads, "Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man" (191). This is encouraging to me because it shows me how practical this doctrine truly is. It shows me that I really can just sit in God's fear, stay in His Word, and trust Him to build His Church.
